One term that is over used and misunderstood is “self esteem”. It is something that we are told that we need to have, yet very few people feel that they have it. Like me, many are not even sure what the term 'self esteem' truly means.
When I was a recent convert to the Church, my calling was to be the Spiritual Living teacher in Relief Society (remember those days?). In one class I remember asking the class, “who has self esteem?” Only two women out of 20 raised her hand; One-tenth? Something was wrong with this picture. These twenty were women that I looked up to and respected, many of whom were raised in the Church and were talented, had affluent husbands, beautiful children, good educations, and all of things that I desired to have. Yet most of them lacked self esteem.
At the time my mind focused on the two who professed to have self esteem. I wondered how their lives had been different than the rest of ours. What did they have that gave them self-esteem?
Now, almost two decades later I realize that it was not what they had but rather who they realized they were. The world has a skewed picture of the concept of self esteem. Things, accomplishments, looks, money, these are not the true way to develop self esteem.
First, we need to determine what we mean when we say self esteem. I am referring to that something inside of a person that tells them that they have value, that they are an important part of the whole. Self esteem is that elusive quality that many of us strive for, yet most of us never really acquire.
I believe that the reason for this failure is that we do not understand totally that which we seek. Having a positive self esteem is not the same as thinking we are better than others nor that we are more talented or prettier or anything better than someone else. In fact self esteem has zip, nada, nothing to do with other people. It is how we see ourselves through the eyes of our Heavenly Father.
When my son was a pre-teen in the sixth grade he had difficulty in school. At that time we were not members of the Church and had no true foundation in our lives. I remember his school counselor telling me that he was failing in school, but that after massive testing, they had determined that he had no learning problems or disabilities, no emotional or mental problems, he just had no self-esteem.
As a confused young parent, trying to raise my children as a single mother, I was at a loss as to how to help him. Like all mothers I love my son deeply but I felt overwhelmed in this job of parenting. How could I help him to have good self-esteem?
To tell you the truth, I never did figure this out. But thankfully, the Lord knows our deepest problems, desires, and concerns. Because of the concern I had for my son’s adjustment in life, when he was thirteen I agreed with his request to live with his father. While it broke my heart to have him live hundreds of miles away from me, I now know that my Heavenly Father had a plan.
It was during these years, that he lived with his father, that my son became friends with two Mormon boys. My son and another friend from a non-Mormon family began attending the LDS Church for Sunday services. They also went to Seminary every morning and youth activities with their friends. Because of this association with their friends and their friends families, both of these boys have joined the Church, served missions, married in the temple, and continue to serve in their Wards. My son knows who he is because he knows that he is a child of our Heavenly Father, and he was sent here for a purpose. I doubt that he would be diagnosed with low self esteem today.
And because of my son’s association with these Saints, I welcomed the missionaries into my home, listened to their discussions and also joined the church. I have been baptized, became a temple recommend holder, and have held various callings in the Church. Aren’t member missionaries wonderful!
But still, almost two decades later, I find myself once again revisiting this issue of self esteem. And I have found the answer.
First I want to be clear about what it is NOT. Self esteem is not feeling good about yourself because of something you have done, or something you have accomplished or even something that you were born with, such as singing talent. Self esteem is not something that can be found in your self.
Self esteem is the knowledge that you are of value to Heavenly Father. That He made you and that He loves you. He made you just the way he wants you, and he loves you just the way you are. Yes, he does expect us to use those talents that he has given each of us. Yes, he expects us to take a bath, and wash our hair. Yes, he expects that we will take care of other things he has given us. But he does not love us because of anything we have or do, in fact he loves us in spite of those things that we do.
Self esteem is acknowledging that we are made by the creator of ‘worlds without end’. We are loved so much that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ to suffer and die that we might be reunited with Him in the eternities. This is called the atonement.
Our claim to self esteem must be based on this alone. We are children of our Heavenly Father who loves us. We have value because he gives us value. We are much like a dollar bill in that way. A dollar bill is but a piece of paper, yet it has value because our government gives it value. Just like with a dollar bill, we may be new, smooth and crisp or we may be wrinkled, dirty and worn but we have value.
We must see ourselves through the eyes of God. Not just as sinners, wrinkled and dirty, but as Sons and Daughters of our Heavenly Father, born with a divine nature. We can be made crisp and new. We can be cleansed. But our value is in the value that He places upon each of us individually.
Self esteem is not something we are, or can become. We will never be as pretty, or as good, or as rich or as smart as someone else. There will always be someone who is better than us in something. We must not compare ourselves to others.
Look to the story of the laborers. The first were hired for a penny a day and they worked all day. But some came later and worked for only part of the day but the Lord paid them a penny also. The first workers were upset but the Lords said to them, I have paid you what I promised. Why are you upset? From this story I see that the Lord has different expectations for each of us. But we still have the same value. Each of us is of immense value to Him.
When you look at yourself, and compare yourself to others, you are not pleasing to Him. We must each look at only ourselves and see what he sees. We must know that he has made us as he wants us to be. We must love what he has made and what he has given each of us.
He wants us to develop those talents (meaning a lot more than just the ability to sing), we must become the best that we can be. But our value is not in doing those things. Our value is in who we are in relation to the One who created all things.
I know that when I see myself through His eyes, feel the love that He has for me. Then is when I truly feel my self worth, my self-esteem.
